Bugger all that positivity

I feel shite. OK I have been educated to know absolutely that bad language is often a mask for a poor vocabulary, but needs must. The last few days have been just awful, but for no particular reason. We still a date for Jason’s op, we have date for his pre-op, but we are really struggling. I am really struggling. Small boy is really struggling. Even Jase and teengirl are struggling (although she has been a star, more of which later).

So nothing has changed, maybe this is the problem. We are only a couple of weeks in and I’m struggling. How did my brother do this for FIVE years? (Three Hodgekin’s lymphomas, five years, final call of terminal cancer beaten and now all fine, been clear for 18 years now).

OK enough with the mud gazing (a favourite saying of a good friend of mine, ‘at times life puts us all in the mud, but its up to you if you choose to look down in the mud or up at the stars’). I think it might be all down to chemistry. We have  been running the adrenelin high, and now it has run out on us. We are  weary.

So maybe a bit more mud-gazing. Smallboy is really struggling at school. In their heart felt efforts to keep everything as normal as possible, no one had asked him how he was. Lots of tears and some visits later, we are back on the right page, but not before I enlisted teengirl to come  talk to him.  She was amazing. Laughed and cried together and made a plan. She totally nailed it for him.

Had  a good long chat with a good friend I should talk to more often, babe, its not easy xxx

8 thoughts on “Bugger all that positivity

  1. Go ahead and swear all you like as far as I’m concerned! When it’s shit, it’s shit!!! Sometimes it’s too expensive on energy to keep upright out of the mud all the time and it’s important to allow yourself the time to be mud-gazing (great term) in order to gather the energy to rise again. Sending granny hugs to you all! Get as much loving support around you as possible and keep a polite distance from those who won’t let you shout ‘BUGGER IT!!!!!’ when you need to!

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  2. I don’t know the age of your small boy, but when my older daughter was diagnosed with cancer (our first of many cancer experience), we were so focused on her that we mostly neglected our younger teen’s needs. She had no one to talk to who’d understand. What teen would know what to say to her friend who’s going through something so alien to her? And so our teen mostly suffered this on her own. I felt horrible about that, but it’s all we could do to cope. You just have to do your best and not feel guilty. Though being aware of each others’ needs is important. I think you are very brave.

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    • Thank you, I think the children’s pain is what upsets me the most at the moment. We all want to be able to fix stuff for our squibs, or show them how they can work it out for themselves – where is that manual!!!!

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  3. Having fought the good fight myself, 23 years ago now, my heart goes out to you all. Our small family shed many a tear, and cursed many a curse, before I got the all-clear but, in a strange way, all of this helped us to vent all the stresses we had to go through on that awful journey.
    I just hope, and pray, that this venting will help you to cope with your own journey!
    I’ll be thinking, and praying, for you all {{{{{hugs}}}}}

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