Chin up Mrs

Blimey. This is a boring medical update just for the record. So, with another big bleed underway, but with surgery planned for the same day, Mr R and I were up from the early hours (3f***ing30) of Wednesday  and headed into the hospital. It was a teary us who parted when they took him off to theatre at half eight, and I spent the day pacing, like an expectant 1930’s husband. I  managed to crochet a prosthetic knocker, but that, as they say, is another story. Half an hour before he was due back on the ward, they told me ‘no beds’, ‘two hours till beds’ , so I took myself off for what I then found was some very much needed fresh air. *Note to self, come the revolution, my votes will be for free easy hospital parking and some where pleasant to sit outside* – surely I cant be alone in this wish??? WHY do I have to sit on a curb in a car park??? Jase says its because somewhere to sit attracts melingerers, harrumph.

So luckily I was there when he was brought back up to the ward. So lucky, otherwise he wouldn’t have had any one to give him a drink, wash his poorly face, make him comfortable, find his morphine button for him, check his dressings, talk to the surgeon, put balm on his lips, be a nurse to him. Everyone on the ward is amazing, but they are just so stretched, it’s a bit scary. Mr R was in a lot of pain, so they brought more pain relief. I was there all afternoon, so that was good. Stef and Pops brought Smallboy and Teengirl, Mr R was most interested in his morphine pump, but he knew they were there, checking in.

So unluckily for Mr R, an unfortunate cough at about 7.45 pm caused a nasty bleed from his wound. Unfettered by platelets (constrained by anticoagulants) this proved to be rather tricky over the following 18 hours. Its all now under control, but like an unruly inmate, put pay to his hopes for an early release (Friday 20  Feb, some hope).

Further pain and bleeding  has led him to high morphine use (magic green button) and drip fed paracetamol, it’s not going well. Lots of dizziness and puking.

So here is the thing, we are where we are, us here at home, Jase there. Stef and Pops have gone, Shaun is here. Tomorrow seems a long way off, so the only thing to do is dig deep past the part of me that wants to cry and not stop, and so chin up Mrs, there is so more to do before that is on the cards, night all x

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Today is a gift

Without getting too ‘ya know’ about it, today is a gift. Every day is a gift. All of us only have a finite number of breaths that we will share with each of the people we love.

Today Jase’s Dad arrived to see us, and it has been lovely to have him here. After tea and birthday cake this morning (he was 70 last week), Jase and smallboy took him off fishing with best friend of smallboy. They arrived home much later, cold, happy and with 20 small fishes caught and released (plus one mega carp). Teengirl was at work today, earning money towards her current goal – a small furry pet I think, or maybe a motorbike, it changes. Me? well no one asked how my day was actually, haha I sound SO needy! But just in case you were wondering, I cursed and swore my way around housework which no one would do but me, and no one will notice until I don’t do it. Ha ha, such is life!

So, my gift today? So many actually, small boys (young and old) fresh faced and smelling of the outdoors tumbling over their stories of gigantean fish touched but not landed, teengirl keen for a hug and wanting to share ridiculous laughs, my life’s love enveloping me with his arms and a tender kiss, a house ready to be muddied and muddled, a fridge full of good things ready to make a meal for the people I love, and a small battle won in the doctors surgery to get Mr R the medication he needed today and not tomorrow. I was invincible and triumphant.

There is so little we really need, this house would do us, night all xxx

Funny where things can go

OK so well we all know this, in families sometimes things can go somewhere you don’t expect. Tonight I didn’t expect that smallboy (tired, just home from gymnastics) trying to load a ‘pay as you go’ credit would result in everyone (I mean all four of us) in tears. Major drama, shouting, crying, stomping. OMG I called my suffering, sore, scared, cancer patient husband a lot of horrible names, the most printable of which was a ‘grumpy f**k’, whoops! Heyho, I guess its all part of keeping things normal (I hope). Just so you know, we have a 10 minute fester rule in our house, so it was all soon sorted, including the phone code. Teengirl (having recovered from being kicked in the face) even allowed him to use her best loved product in a much needed bath. So they are all sleeping now, and maybe the evening’s drama might even have a bright side or two. Teengirl had her first shared damn good cry about how shite everything is (and managed to tuck in a D grade chemistry test result, she’s good), I didn’t join in with the weeping at that point, and even  managed to be slightly adult in my support, consolation and chemistry based feedback. Oh, the other bright side has been a flash of creativity. Funny where things take you, like me writing this but not being able to work on any of my crochet. So, anyway I mentioned to teengirl that I wanted a tattoo with our names on, she said it was too pikey, but that something to represent each of us would be fine. So, my design is almost done, just need to find the right artist. I will post a photo when its done. So where will things go? Me and Jase had a good chat about the next few days, his fears about surgery, I think he would cope better if they were giving him a local, all that loss of control is really hard to come to terms with. His fears are this week, mine are next. Its funny where things end up, I’m hopeful that for no matter what, we are better and stronger and even sometimes kinder to each other because of it xxx

Someone has stolen my brain

Someone stole my brain in the night last night. I feel like it is totally absent. So I have taken to writing myself detailed daily schedules, with timings for everything, as I’m sure otherwise everyday will be like today, including periods of standing and not having a clue what I’m supposed to be doing next.

Last Friday night Jase had another bleed and had to be readmitted. I ended up calling an ambulance as I had had some wine (ARGH!!! – I hate that guilt fairy). It was so horrible seeing him in so much pain and discomfort. Luckily the children were sleeping and we had some of his family staying, so Stef could go with him.

He was home by Monday night and had a good nights sleep. Tuesday was pre-op. It was all fine, but totally floored him, in an ‘oh my goodness, there is nothing to do to change what is happening’ kind of a way. I can remember feeling like that when I went into labour with Teengirl – the ‘this is going to happen whether I like it or not’ feeling.

So now things are a bit calmer, I took the squibs to the local cancer care day centre, so they could discover what support there is there for them. Went OK I think, apart from me weeping continuously, choking on my brew and having to leave the room to puke. Teengirl is dining out on this, told everyone in the pub where Jase was having his tea with a friend who had popped up from Oxfordshire to see him today. She was in fits of hysteria. I love her so much 🙂

Jase and the small boy have gone to bed now, I just need to grow a new brain by the morning, big day at work tomorrow, night all xx

Bugger all that positivity

I feel shite. OK I have been educated to know absolutely that bad language is often a mask for a poor vocabulary, but needs must. The last few days have been just awful, but for no particular reason. We still a date for Jason’s op, we have date for his pre-op, but we are really struggling. I am really struggling. Small boy is really struggling. Even Jase and teengirl are struggling (although she has been a star, more of which later).

So nothing has changed, maybe this is the problem. We are only a couple of weeks in and I’m struggling. How did my brother do this for FIVE years? (Three Hodgekin’s lymphomas, five years, final call of terminal cancer beaten and now all fine, been clear for 18 years now).

OK enough with the mud gazing (a favourite saying of a good friend of mine, ‘at times life puts us all in the mud, but its up to you if you choose to look down in the mud or up at the stars’). I think it might be all down to chemistry. We have  been running the adrenelin high, and now it has run out on us. We are  weary.

So maybe a bit more mud-gazing. Smallboy is really struggling at school. In their heart felt efforts to keep everything as normal as possible, no one had asked him how he was. Lots of tears and some visits later, we are back on the right page, but not before I enlisted teengirl to come  talk to him.  She was amazing. Laughed and cried together and made a plan. She totally nailed it for him.

Had  a good long chat with a good friend I should talk to more often, babe, its not easy xxx

Creativity gap

In the normal run of things, I end most of my days with an hour or so of crochet. At the moment I have a blanket and a cardi underway. However, over the last two weeks I have not been able to do a thing. I think its because I’m finding it really hard to sit down. I can do purposeful activity, frantic rushing around, and sleep. Sitting down is much harder, so I was really pleased earlier in the week when I managed to finish a little bower bird for my sister in law’s birthday. It’s from a pattern by lovely Lucy at Attic 24. Hmm not very impressive, but maybe its a step in the right direction.

Last night I went out to see my group of friends in the village, there was lots of presecco. Well, there was at the beginning of the evening, none left by the end I think 🙂 I was really nervous about going, but it was really nice, and I’m glad I did, maybe another step in the right direction. I guess this really is just our ‘new normal’.

Lifts and gifts…

There have been some uplifting moments in our rollercoaster of a week this week. These flowers were a gift from a friend of Jason’s, she was an everyday regular in his café before he sold it. I also received a fabulous parcel from my very good friend ‘The Snail of Happiness’, six balls of yarn and a magazine I had won in a raffle in April 2014 when I was visiting her. I’m glad that she had not sent it before :), although it did take me a while to recall it at all! I was hoping to post a picture of the parcel here, but being an amateur blogger, haven’t quite managed it!

Gifts and good vibes do us all good. When he was in the hospital last week (on Monday I think) Jase gave his shirt to a guy so he could be discharged, small things can be big. And after my epic sleep last night, I’m going to give myself the lift and gift of a glass of wine this evening, or maybe even two 🙂