Calm, grumpiness and Jerusalem

So the boy is home, tired, smelly, but home and full of stories of fencing, climbing, canoeing, sailing, cycling, midnight walking, and helping friends struggling with homesickness. He was made up that Jase was able to be there to meet the bus, we all went for tea in the pub after, it was lovely. We have had a quiet week at home, a bit weepy for me, me working and him upstairs in bed, Teengirl nailed her grade 5 theory exam (we hope!), anyway it is done. Piano practical next week. Jase has been getting better every other day, one day of feeling better and doing a bit more, then the next day zonked out again. But getting better all the same. A little shuffle to the shop for the paper and chat with folks along the way. A trip for a pint to watch the match. So we are calm, he is grumpy when he is tired though, I think we can live with that. But we are happy in each other’s company, all of us. We have become kinder to each other, slower to criticise, we have more time to listen and take account of each other. Juggling everyday events to get everything done is proving tricky, but I’m judging success by everyone being safely home in bed by the end of the day, having (hopefully) done their stuff.

This evening we had our WI committee meeting here, it was really lovely to see everyone, hear their news, accept their help (and homemade icecream – wow!), I think I will go to the meeting on Wednesday. It is a joy to be part of such a fab group of women.

Next Monday is still in a box, keeps trying to escape, raising its lid every now and then, but not able to give away any clues. Gonna stick a brick on it.

Oh, the fire has gone out, night all xx

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Bugger all that positivity

I feel shite. OK I have been educated to know absolutely that bad language is often a mask for a poor vocabulary, but needs must. The last few days have been just awful, but for no particular reason. We still a date for Jason’s op, we have date for his pre-op, but we are really struggling. I am really struggling. Small boy is really struggling. Even Jase and teengirl are struggling (although she has been a star, more of which later).

So nothing has changed, maybe this is the problem. We are only a couple of weeks in and I’m struggling. How did my brother do this for FIVE years? (Three Hodgekin’s lymphomas, five years, final call of terminal cancer beaten and now all fine, been clear for 18 years now).

OK enough with the mud gazing (a favourite saying of a good friend of mine, ‘at times life puts us all in the mud, but its up to you if you choose to look down in the mud or up at the stars’). I think it might be all down to chemistry. We have  been running the adrenelin high, and now it has run out on us. We are  weary.

So maybe a bit more mud-gazing. Smallboy is really struggling at school. In their heart felt efforts to keep everything as normal as possible, no one had asked him how he was. Lots of tears and some visits later, we are back on the right page, but not before I enlisted teengirl to come  talk to him.  She was amazing. Laughed and cried together and made a plan. She totally nailed it for him.

Had  a good long chat with a good friend I should talk to more often, babe, its not easy xxx

On the up side….

Had a lovely morning, we both woke early and enjoyed a brew in bed before the squibs came to join us. A hang over free Saturday morning, don’t think I’ve had one of those since I was pregnant!!!

Talking of the squibs, how do you tell your children their Dad has cancer? How do you make sure they understand what’s going on? How can you be sure they are OK? What about when they are at school? What are they thinking? What are they telling their friends? Do they think he is going to die? As Jase was in hospital, it was down to me to tell them the news on Wednesday after school. It went OK, but only I think because it didn’t really sink in. In the days following, small boy has reacted with bouts of non-compliance, not sure about my beautiful teengirl. I think that she is OK. She has asked questions, taken on board information, spent a lot of time with her friends, and asked if Granny can come and stay. My plan with them both is to be ever vigilant, whilst trying to maintain normality in their lives, – wish me luck!!!

Chin up

So here is the thing today, I am SO fed up of telling people. Jase had a fabulous idea and this morning he told the one person in the village who would pass on the news quick smart. Had to lever the small boy out of bed and down to school, with as much good humour and positivity as I could muster. He is not in a good place right now, and who can blame him. But he went, Jase got up at the same time and went with him, which helped I think. Oh yes – Jase is home!! As of 2pm yesterday, so lovely. Just need to get the boy back from the end of the pier.